The ladies love me
Its 4:30 in the morning, and I just got through banging two HB10s, sent them packing, and decided to relax online for a little bit. For fun, I decide to hop on Twitter for a couple minutes and I see this tweet immediately. And fellas, it is something we need to talk about.
I know, it’s a damn shame. Every time I go out, there’s some girl out there weighing 120, 150, or even the dreaded 200lbs walking around in public like she’s a human being or something. I tell you, this fat acceptance shit has got to stop now.
Now, some guys will tell you that the worst mistake we could have ever made was giving women the right to vote, have jobs, drive cars, and act like they’re some sort of equal humans. And yeah, those people are right. But the second biggest mistake we ever made is not putting our feet down and saying “No! Expecting us to act like fat girls are human beings is going too far!”
See, fat chicks, they’re uppity. They walk through life expecting all these special considerations. Like clothing made to fit, not being harassed by total strangers for being fat, and the absolute worst – being able to go out in public.
These girls, and I shudder to even call them that, have it too easy. We, and I mean the real humans, go out of our way to point out to them every five fucking seconds that they’re fat, that if they starved themselves and exercised 14 hours a day they could be skinny, and stopping in the middle of our busy days to remind them how fucking disgusting they are. I tell you, it’s a fucking cake walk for them.
But now, all of a sudden, they expect to do things like :go to the movies, go to the grocery store, go to the park, go to the bar, the list goes on and on. They have completely shit upon this great country of ours. Was it not our forefathers who said “all men are created equal?” Clearly, fat chicks were not in that perfect union. And for good reason. Every time a fat chick steps outside her house, another hot chick refuses to sleep with us strong Alpha males. Every time a fat chick states her opinion, another HB10 gets older. Every time a fat chick suggests that she has “rights” another male loses his erection and is never able to fuck again.
These are scientific facts, fellas. And frankly, I blame feminism.
So now you’re asking, “But Scotty, what can we do?”
Well fellas, its time we took to drastic action. I mean, we’re spent decades telling fat chicks that they aren’t really humans. Decades reminding them that our penises are the only opions that truly matter in the great US of A. Cornering them in restaurants and movie theaters to explain, yet again, that fat chicks do not deserve to live. And have they listened? Hell no!
So now, we take to the streets. I calling on you, the brave men who go out every night, just trying to land a fling, only to be traumatized by the realization that there is a fat person somewhere in the world. You have to put your mony where your mouth is and stop this evil attack upon our way of life.
So today, go down to the local hardware store and buy a hammer, some nails, and a stack of boards. And when you go out, if a fat chick happens to dare leave her house, set aside your anger for a moment for the better good. Follow her home, and hammer the boards across her doors and windows. If she won’t stay at home where she belongs, you make her.
Now, some of you might worry about this plan. You might be thinking “But she can just call friends, or family, or the police, and they’ll come let her out.” Be strong! See, every other human being on the planet feels the same way. They’re just too scared of the Medusa-like stare that fat chicks emanate. But once they see you in action, once they feel safe going out again knowing that no fat chick is going to take up the valuable, limited space of real humans, they’ll be on your side.
Trust me, it’s a fool-proof plan.